Life After Losing Her: Grief, Depression, and the Journey to Heal

Life After Losing Her: Grief, Depression, and the Journey to Heal

Growing Up Without My Mother—and Learning to Live Again

Foreword by Coach Jaleesa
What happens when the one person who made you feel safe, seen, and loved…is suddenly gone forever?

This story is a reminder that grief has no age limit. That childhood loss leaves scars we don’t always have the language to explain. But it’s also proof that healing is possible—even if it takes years.

If you’ve ever felt stuck in your pain, angry with God, or just tired of pretending to be okay…read this slowly. Let it comfort you, challenge you, and remind you that healing doesn’t mean forgetting—it means learning to live through it.

I had a typical childhood like any other six year old girl with pigtails. Stress free, no care in the world, full of energy, and a vast imagination. I knew I was capable of doing anything I wanted. If I could think it could do it (This got me in trouble most of the time). My mother had such a quiet and peaceful spirit about her, she was caring and loving, funny, and she was always willing to help others. Her presence spoke for her. Like most little girls I idolized my mother. I wanted to do everything she did. She was a 2nd school teacher so I had to be one too. When she would bring her students classwork home to grade I had to grade it too, She never let me because I wanted to grade with purple crayons instead of ink. That never went well. My mother was my best friend I felt that sometimes we were one, two of the same. Though I was young I knew my mom loved me and I loved her.

It was the summer before I started 2nd grade (July), and I was so excited because I felt or I thought I was a "big girl" finally! And my birthday was less than three weeks away and was turning 7 and you couldn't tell me nothing. My mom always threw me and my little brother big birthday parties, and since I turning 7, she had to go all out for me, her little girl. Little did I know I would have to have my 7th birthday party without her.

Grief And Loss

It was one night probably a weekday and both me my mother and grandmother were in the kitchen eating. I was on the floor playing with my dolls or toys (I can't really remember). It was probably around 6 or 7 p.m. and the phone rang, it was my mom's co-worker/best friend. My grandmother answered the phone, and she called my mom to get the phone but she never came and got it, so my grandmother told me to go take the phone to her. When I got to the back room. my mom was drooped over her bed unresponsive. My grandmother was behind me, she dropped what she was doing, got the phone, and called 911. It took more than 15 minutes for the EMS to get to the house, I'll never forget those bright red lights that shine through the window when they finally arrived to the house. When they arrived to the house, I didn't fully understand what was going on but I knew something wasn't right.  When we got to the hospital my grandmother had an unforgettable look of concern and fear on her face. The waiting room was cold, and all I could smell was the sent of Clorox coming from the bathroom nearby. My grandmother told me I could come see my mom if I wanted, so I went into the room and my mom was hooked up to all these machines. There were wires and tubes everywhere. 

According to the doctor, my mother suffered a stroke that went to her brain, they insisted that we get her air lifted to MCV. Within three days of being there, her organs began to fail and she was placed on life support. Within a week she was completely unresponsive. So my grandmother made the decision to pull the plug and just like that my mother and best friend was gone. Family and friends were present for me and my brother during this time, so many people came to the house it was ridiculous. One night the house was so full with company that I just went to my mom's room. I assumed no one would go back there because it was the last place she was before she passed. I got in the bed, under the covers, and cried my little eye out. I cried so much my stomach began to hurt. At that very moment, I knew my life was changing. Shortly after that my father was incarnated, he had been in and out of jail for as long as I could remember, but this time it was different I felt like I was losing both parents. 

Depression Almost Killed Me

On the outside I was fine but on the inside I was tormented with grief and loss. I believe even though I wasn't diagnosed, I suffered from depression and anxiety from age 9 to 13. My grandmother never thought about getting counseling for me and my brother (big mistake). Depression and anxiety were taking over my life. I remember vividly on my mom's birthday one year I planned to commit suicide by taking some of my grandmother's medication. I didn't see the value in my own life. As I got older I began to cut myself, I stopped doing that once I entered high school. When I was in high school I had no motivation, my grades were horrible, my father went back to jail again, I just couldn't get a grasp on life it seemed. My senior year was tough for me because I realized my mom would never see me go to prom, go to my graduation, help me move in my first year at college. So my rock bottom got lower, I was mad at God. I did great my first year of college, but I did things to cope with the pain I felt. I start smoking weed and drinking my second semester of my freshman year. I continued to do this up until 2½ months ago.  While in counseling I guess you can say I got a grip on reality when one night I got high and drunk and blacked out and woke up in my dorm room floor the next day trying to figure out what the hell had happened.

Healing

Let be real for second just this past Month and a couple of weeks, I finally began to heal from this wound. I realized that life is like a card game and we have to play it with the best of our ability with the hand we've been dealt. I used to feel like I died with my mom, but I realized that I'm living through her, she's watching me, she's my guardian angel. I couldn't just cope or get over her death but I had to heal through it, and know that God wouldn't leave me alone on the journey. 

One Can't Be Alone And Heal.