Life After Abortion: When the Healing Hurts Too
Foreword by Coach Jaleesa:
It’s easy to talk about healing when we’re on the other side of the pain, but what about the moments when you feel like healing might break you first? When the people who should protect you leave you, and you’re left holding the weight of your choices, your fears, and your faith—alone?
This story is not about judgment. It’s about honesty. It’s about what happens when shame tries to silence you, and God interrupts that silence with grace.
If you’re carrying the pain of a decision you made in the dark, know this: you are not disqualified from love, healing, or purpose.
Please read with care, and with compassion. This entry in the Life After series is raw, redemptive, and rooted in the truth that even our worst moments are never too far for God to reach.
The Decision No One Prepares You For
In November of 2014, I had an abortion. The day right before Thanksgiving. I read up online about how it would happen and life after it happens and I just knew that I was good to go, but of course, mine didn't happen that way. They don't tell you how attached you become after seeing the heartbeat of your child when you go for an ultrasound.
I was in college and was scared for my life when I found out that I was pregnant. My school kicked me off campus and told me that I had 48 hours to find somewhere else to live. I couldn't run to my parents, I didn't have a friend. All I had was my "baby daddy lol". And I was just sure that he would hold me up during this time. Boy, was I wrong. He portrayed one thing to my face and another to everyone else. Yeah, that hurt. So we made the decision to get an abortion. The day finally came and all I could do was cry. The father of my child left me to go get my abortion by myself. I had to lie to a friend of mine, just to get someone to go with me. I never felt so alone in my life.
Alone on the Table
So I go in, pay my due and they call me back. They tell me to lie down on the table and open up my legs. My feelings at the time: shame, regret, guilt, dirty, filthy... it was painful. After they are done, they led me to a recovery room. I sat here for about 7 minutes and the doctor comes back and says we didn't get all of the pregnancy tissue out, we have to do the procedure again. And this is where it got all messed up. I lie back down on the table and open my legs, and as the doctor is going back in, I pass out. I mean stop breathing and all. The nurse in the room frantically shakes me to wake me up and when I finally open my eyes, the first thing I said, in tears, was "God, I'm so sorry".
I head home and I just lay in bed all day. Fast forward to 4 months later. My mother found out. How did she find out? A bill came to the house for $0.00 for an abortion. With all of the paperwork I filled out, I never once put my mom's address on there. My mom texted me and said "I just want a yes or no. Were you pregnant and you got rid of it?" I said, "yes". She said "Wow...I just hate my life." I knew exactly what she meant and I was heartbroken.
As months went on, other people started hearing about my abortion and confronting me about it, and being the person that I am, I WAS READY TO PUT HANDS ON EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM! But I kept feeling that guilt. But God began to work on me, right in that broken place. To this day, I am completely healed from my past decision but the consequences of my decision still remain. I currently deal with a lot of complications physically and I'm not sure if I'll be able to bear children in the future because of the complications but it's in the hands of God.
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