He Cheated...I Stayed!
Hey love bugs! Thanks for all those who read the blog yesterday. If you have not uuuummmm what are you waiting for? LOL. Today I am so blessed to have a dear friend of mine share her testimony. I know I don’t have to say this but I want to make it clear since I know that everyone who reads my blog does not know me personally. Saved, Single, and Successful is a BULLY-FREE ZONE. All comments will be uplifting and edifying ;-) Glad we could talk about that lol. This blog is very honest. It’s a story of infidelity, drug addiction, hurt and pain but most of all God’s restoration, peace and transformation. If any one can relate to this story or you have words of encouragement, comment below or email me at email@example.com so I can forward them to our guest writer.
For her protection all names have been changed in the blog.
Carl is the husband
Carla is the wife
Candy Cane is the other woman
Cookie is…you’ll see who Cookie is ;-)
Thank you guys for your support
Lunch with a Side of Deal Breakers
One day after a lunch date, we were listening to a popular radio show that talked about deal breakers in relationships and what different couples went through and why they got divorced. Carl asked me what was my deal breaker. “ Having a baby outside of our marriage. If you ever do that then it’s over”. He immediately got very somber. I could tell he was trying to shake it..I followed up with the same question. “I don’t have one, I would stay with you no matter what.
We have 3 children and I had them young (all 3 by 24 years old).I was so overwhelmed with 3 children under 4 years old I got my tubes tied in the hospital after I had my 3rd baby. Butttttt I'm a woman and we can be quite indecisive about a lot of choices we make. I decided I wanted another baby about 8 years after I got my tubes tied. I had gotten my medical records together, talked to several doctors about going through the process of having my tubes untied, and my husband was on board (or so I thought).For some reason he would always try to change the subject when I brought it back up to him. He even went as far to say I might die from the anesthesia and I should be grateful for the 3 children we already have. *shifty eyes* He would joke and say that maybe he should just buy me a baby alive. *more shifty eyes* I had stars in my eyes and all I could think about was another baby I couldn't see anything around me. I even told him one day, get me a baby and I don't care where you get it from. Boyyyy, do I wish I would have swallowed those words.
Groom: I, husband, take you wife, to be my wedded wife. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness. Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife. Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing. He has ordained that the husband be the head of the wife. He instructs me, as the one who will be your husband, to love you as Christ loves the Church. It is my desire and delight to follow this scriptural teaching. With all my heart, I make this pledge to you.
Bride: Groom, the Lord instructs me as the one who will be your wife to submit to you as unto Him. Our Father created woman to be man's helper. It is my desire and delight to follow this scriptural teaching. With all my heart, I make this pledge to you.
These were the vows we made that day in front of God, our Pastor and a bunch of family and witnesses. When we think of marriage we think of fairytales, rainbows, unicorns, mushy rom-coms, love songs and ooey gooey ballads. I could have named plenty of other adjectives and expectations about what we all think that marriage is gonna include but I’ll save you the fluff. No one pulls us to the side and gives us the great testimonies of how trying marriage can be. No how- to manual. No memo. Or how when it’s done God’s way it’s a beautiful testimony and even further how it could ultimately become ministry. It’s not always gonna be running to the bedroom every night ripping each other’s clothes off. It won’t always be tons of vacations and walking arm and arm looking in each other’s eyes and smiling on a beach. Marriage can have very gritty parts. But with the help of the Lord he can see you through. I'm Carla and this is my story.
Summer 2013: The Text That Changed It All
I was sitting on my bed relaxing after a super long day with my children. We had just finished up vacation bible school and I was induldging in some much need R&R (You know “chillaxing”, watching TV). My phone notifies me that I have a text. The text reads, “I just wanted to let you know that your husband has 2 children by Candy Cane”. The text included her whole name because I'm assuming they wanted me to look her up on Facebook. I did lol. I looked at the children in Candy’s pictures, they were 3 years old and 6 months old. The Holy Ghost began to speak when I looked at the pictures. The Lord let me know that the oldest child wasn't my husband’s but that baby... the baby looked like my husband spit her out himself. I kept my cool and texted my husband. As you would guess he played crazy. Being the woman I am I decided to put my detective hat on. I said. “ hmmmmmm let me put something up on Facebook to see if she will bite”. Low and behold she did. I simply put a picture of my husband and myself up on Facebook with two words underneath it, " BOW DOWN". I know, I know, I know it was super petty but I had to get down to her level to get her to bite. This was around 9 p.m. then I drifted off to sleep. I woke up at about 11 p.m. to check my phone and found a text from Ms. Candy Cane. Not only did she text but her message was accompanied by a voicemail. I said to myself, "self, I guess you are smarter than the average bear". *pats myself on the back*.
So then I call my husband on his way home from work and asked him, “what's up with this???”. Of course he continues to play crazy. Ok…cool! Now keep in mind he was at work at the time. He was working swing shift 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. To further my investigation, I called Verizon the next day and asked them how many times was Candy Cane’s number being called from my husband’s phone. The Verizon rep was a woman so she was helping her sister out!! She gave me all the times and dates that he called, incoming, outgoing, all of it. I call Carl, tell him of my findings, and then he confesses. He immediately apologized and told me he never meant to hurt me.
I know y’all are looking like what in the world? Well imagine how I felt. I was in total disbelief. I felt like I was in a nightmare that no one could wake me up from.
I Miss The Old You
Carl and I have always had a different relationship. We always looked at our marriage in a lens of “this is what works for us and it won't always work for someone else's marriage”. So, I thought we were cool, I really did. But Carl and I led two different types of lives. At the time, Carl was in a backslidden state and I was saved. Baptized in Jesus name and filled with the Holy Ghost. *Quickens*
We started to grow apart when I got saved three years into our marriage. He would say stuff like, “I want the old Carla back” and “you used to love to do blah blah blah”. It was just the enemy trying to split us up by using the weakest link in your family. I was trying, with the help of the Lord, to do things that I needed to do as a wife and mother and sometimes Carl and I just couldn't see eye to eye. As time went by Carl developed a very bad drinking problem and an addiction to prescription pills. He couldn't sleep at night. His appearance began to look worse and worse. Something was wrong but I just couldn't put my finger on it. I kept asking him if we were good and was there anything he wanted to tell me because something seemed off. I would pray for him so much during those times because he was being tormented by the enemy it was so clear. He would go out frequently and I never questioned his faithfulness, I honestly thought we may have our ups and down but I wanted to believe that through it all Carl loved me and only wanted to be with me. But one thing that bothered me and I think of often and was a tell tale sign he would never fully let me in. I would tell him everything about me but he would never let me all the way in. Another thing was sometimes he wouldn't answer the phone and when he would call back he would sound strange. He would tell me things like, “I'm going out after work for drinks with my coworkers, uncles, brother, cousins, or Godfather”. I know I was naive to think he was being honest but like I said before who wants to think the worst of their husband.
I Told My Wife
Ok, so back to the summer of 2013. I told him to text Candy and simply tell her, “I told my wife”. Her reply? “Yes Sir.” Little did I know was that really meant GAME ON. I called my pastor and asked if we could come in for counseling and we did. When we sat down to speak with him he was very caring. I'm not gonna lie I asked my husband for a divorce! My pastor told me he really doesn't think that was a good idea even though I have grounds, he told me that he didn't think God was in agreement with that. He told me that I should be thinking about the hurt my children will experience. In my mind, I was thinking forget Carl, the kids and everyone else. What about me? When is Carla gonna get to be happy?
When you're married to an unsaved spouse it can be very difficult; it feels like living with a stranger. You won’t always relate and the devil will do whatever he can to tear you two apart. So, my pastor basically told me for the sake of my children try to hang in there and just stay in my word, fast, and pray. He said, “Get as much word as you can and take it one day at a time”. He also told my husband until he gave his life back to the Lord he wasn't going to be able to deal with the situation. This was in July and over the next couple of months all hell broke loose. After I found out, I told Carl to reach out to Candy so we could get DNA test for the children. She went OFF and told him no because he knew the children were his. At this point is when I find out that he had signed the children's birth certificates. She told him if he didn't sign them then she would tell me.
He signed them both on the same day. He had 90 days to go back and change his mind and take his name off the affidavit. I found out about Carl’s infidelity on the 91st day. Over the next couple of months Carl and I tried our best to deal with our situation. Candy made it her business to make our lives hell. She was a woman scorned and somehow in her twisted mind she thought that since I found out about her and the kids that I was going to give my husband to her. Hahahahaha silly Candy tricks are for kids! What she didn’t know is that I was seeking Godly counsel and forgiving my husband daily.
Ladies, don’t get it twisted! I cried, yelled, had panic attacks, even asked the Lord to take my life because I couldn’t deal with what was in front of me. When I changed my focus from the hurt I was feeling to the forgiveness that I needed to grant I felt the shift. The Lord showed up. Now what I’m about to tell you doesn’t sound like the Lord had shown up but trust me…keep reading. Candy reached out to Carl’s whole family and begged to be heard. She sent Carl’s parents texts, letters, and pictures of the girls.
Candy's Cray Cray
Candy’s mother even called MY PASTOR! Carl kept saying, “I didn’t think she was this crazy...I didn’t think she was this crazy”. He said she was so sweet when they were messing around, did whatever he wanted, and was never tired. Of course she had to be nice, kind, and sweet because she wanted my role. This woman took cray cray to ‘a whole nother’ level. We were stalked , she refused him DNA tests, even made friends with people from my church so they could tell her of our whereabouts. We ended up getting our phone numbers changed after a series of crazy texts from her friends.
The Lord Restores
Carl had been attending every church service with me. Things weren't 100% but I was asking the Lord to help us get through this. We even tried going to a marriage counselor but it just didn't work. This was a special case for GOD. I'm not bashing marriage counselors at all but this was a God situation. On March 4, 2014, the Lord restored Carl’s soul and he came back to the Lord. It was amazing! The church rejoiced and we all were so elated with joy. The Lord had not only restored our marriage but he gave me a new husband that treats me like a queen.
I didn’t bash him during the whole process. And no, I'm not a man hater. The reason why is because God kept telling me to wait and he was gonna fix things. I’ll be honest, I can't even remember all the bad times (those memories are very foggy). THANK YOU JESUS! Candy filed for child support in April of 2014. She hired a lawyer with a list of demands similar to Mary J. Blidges’ husband. Too soon? She wanted money for back child support, all the medical bills, pain and suffering and mental anguish. Pain and suffering? PAIN AND SUFFERING?! *whewwwww* ok…sorry guys.
Carl, You are NOT the father...kinda.
I already found an attorney at this point because I knew this day would come. We get to court; Carl’s lawyer asks for a DNA test for both children. Candy’s attorney objects because of the birth certificates that Carl signed. The judge overruled and agreed that my husband deserved a DNA test. Three weeks later we get the results that the oldest child was not his, but the baby was.
He felt so dumb (just being honest). If he would have just told me about the oldest child the baby would have never been born. He said the devil kept on telling him to kill himself so he wouldn’t have to face telling me about the outside children. I thank God that the weapon was formed but it didn't prosper.
Another transparent moment: My stepdaughter, Cookie, has purpose. God doesn’t make mistakes! The Lord is going to use that little girl. Where’s Candy you ask? Quiet as a church mouse! No more tormenting, no more Facebook rants about us. She actually apologized to me through email and I can say I have forgiven her and Carl fully.I pray for Candy frequently. It is not my desire to see her go to hell. Carl and I are better than ever. I'm a new woman from this experience and it gave me an anointing. Yes I meant to say that! I look at things so much differently now. God has given me a special anointing when it comes to His people and marital issues. I’m not saying I’m Iyanla but my experience has given me a different perspective. We shouldn't always throw our spouses out to the trash. REMEMBER YOUR VOWS!
I'm glad I stayed because God gave me the desires of my heart and he is yet blessing. Carl got a promotion at work so we aren't affected by the child support payments and the judge threw out all of Candy’s crazy requests. However, he did end up paying back child support and her medical expenses( but he has excellent health insurance). I hope I was able to help someone in my transparency. God really taught me so many valuable lessons in this but the number one lesson is: “Let God be God! Let Him move and work miracles on your life”.
Carl: The New Creature in Christ
Carl is very active in the church, he spends all his spare time with the kids and myself, and we are truly best friends. Jesus truly makes the difference in our lives. Before you say I do make sure you are equally yoked. The reason why I started this with marriage vows is because when you get married you stand in front of God and you make a promise to him. You are making a vow to him. God is no one to play with and neither is marriage. I know that people get divorced over silly things like burning the gravy or leaving the toilet seat up lol I'm exaggerating but you all know what I mean. The Lord helped me through this situation mightily. It wasn't easy and some nights I stayed up crying and I was depressed. I had to put myself totally in the care of the Lord. I didn't know it then, but sometimes the Lord allows terrible things to happen to us for a greater purpose. I have a powerful testimony. This tailor-made test produced a tailor-made anointing! Through the help of the Lord, I was able to pray my husband through this situation.
Carl's drug and alcohol problems were the direct effect of the life he was living. He was trying to self-medicate to get away from the pain he was causing to himself and his family. He would stay awake for days because the nightmares had gotten so bad. He said he was tired of being tormented and the pills and liquor helped.When they stopped working,the suicide attempts started. By the grace of God he never overdosed no matter how many times he tried. Carl has been sober for 3 years now. God took the taste of drugs and alcohol out of his system before he restored his soul. Who wouldn't serve a God like that. A God that delivers, heals, and sets free. Do we have time for a praise break??? God is so amazing and he's faithful! He restored my marriage, my family, and saved my husband.
You want to know what restored him? He told me that the way I loved him through everything is what won him to Christ.
Thank you so much for reading my story. God truly gets the glory. Also, thank you Coach Jaleesa for allowing me to tell my story on your platform.