What's Wrong With Sex?
*Takes a deep breath* What’s wrong with sex? A lot of people seem to be bent out of shape about it…so let’s talk about it. Before we get started, let’s talk about my personal views on sex so we can draw comparisons and differences. Also, let me say that I am a believer of the Holy Bible so if your views are different, then this may not be a post that you will find enjoyable. However, proceed if you would like 😊
1) Sex is not a sin. However, the sin is fornication. I will not be ignorant and assume that we all know what fornication is. Fornication is sexual intercourse between people not married to each other.
2) Sex was created for pleasure and procreation between married people. I personally believe sex is worship unto God when married.
3) Just in case you don’t know me personally: I am married now (hence the name of the blog), but I did spend a couple of years STRUGGLING with fornication. So, I am not a married person who looks down on singles and say, “Why can’t you just get it together?”.
I talk about my personal battles with sex in earlier blogs (I’ll post the links below). Everything from rape, molestation, porn addiction, fornication, and failed and successful attempts at celibacy. In all my studying and living, what I have found to be true is that even though a lot of Christians are having sex, they don’t want to talk about it.
As I shared above, I spent years struggling with sex. Years of celibacy, years of repenting for failed attempts, and everything in between. It wasn’t until college (I attended a Christian University) that I heard people talk about their battles with masturbation. FYI: This is not just a male issue.
I remember crying out to God to take this sexual desire away from me. I remember feeling so stupid when I fell into the traps of fornication or even the times when I was the one weaving the web of deception (I wasn’t always the victim). Let’s pause for a second: Ladies, accountability is so important. Not just any accountability but specifically someone who is not struggling with the same sin as you. I said that to say you can’t always play the victim as if every man tricked you. You knew when you were getting ready to leave the house, shaving (you know what I’m talking about) and putting on your good panties…not the period panties…you knew what you were getting into (If that was too much, go ahead and log off now).
I remember the guilt that hit me like a ton of bricks when I would come to my senses. Quite frankly, I was tired of it. Fast Forward to when I finally got married. It took me a few times of having sex with my husband to realize that for the first time in my life that I didn’t have to repent or feel bad after sex. It was legal, I could say whatever I wanted, do what I wanted and God was pleased. I still haven’t been able to put that in words quite yet.
Now, I will not get graphic and I will not get in detail. What I can tell you is that when I have sex with my husband we are not listening to praise and worship music. I’m sorry but The Clark Sisters don’t do it for me when “that time” comes around. And I’m not singing, “I give myself away so you can use me”.
John Gray, The Box, and Luther Vandross
This blog came about after reading some of the ignorant comments following John Gray’s comments about his wife and marriage. People were seriously mad. If you have not heard or seen the video I will post the links below and I will transcribe what was said in the controversial clip as well.
Let me set up the scene. Lady Serita Jakes (wife of Bishop T.D. Jakes) and her daughters, Sarah Jakes Roberts and Cora Jakes-Coleman are hosting a “Girl Talk”. The clip that went viral was 48 seconds long. Before I decided to write this, I took it upon myself to watch the whole 2-hour girl talk. Sarah says, “you know historically Girl Talk has been an opportunity where we come and have the practical application of what we hear through the preaching and the word expressed throughout our own experiences and emotions”. She continues by sharing how in past years they’ve had high profile people like Kerry Washington share during their time together but they wanted to do something different. They wanted to bring in ladies who were like the ladies in the audience, who have the similar day-to-day issues of upkeeping a house, balancing career and children, or maybe a single lady finding her way and climbing the corporate ladder. Jakes Roberts said it was their goal to demonstrate the stages of womanhood. To do this, their panel consisted of girls as young as 9 or 10 all the way up to seasoned women. Each age group took the stage at different times and was preceded by a mini fashion show showing that age group wearing age appropriate, fashionable clothing.
In the words of Jakes Roberts, they wanted to display how “we go from hopeful little girls who think anything is possible to maybe insecure teenagers trying to figure it out. Millennial women trying to branch their careers and even older women who are transitioning; maybe they’re empty nesters, maybe they’re caretakers. So we’re gonna hope to cover every stage and phase in this setting.” Jakes Roberts then has her sister introduce the “Man Cave”. The cave consisted of Akin Ayodele (An unwed NFL player), Brandon Coleman (husband of Cora Jakes Coleman), Pastor Toure’ Roberts (Husband of Sarah Jakes Roberts), Pastor John Gray (Star of reality show, “The Book of John Gray”, Associate Pastor at Lakewood Church under Pastor Joel Osteen), and Forest Smith (I have no idea who he is so I’m not going to make anything up).
The Jakes’ women could have had this Girls Talk with just the girls but Lady Jakes said the reason why they included the man cave is because every now and then you need to hear a male perspective on your experiences no matter the age of the woman. The men were in place to add to whatever the topic was…ok glad we got that out the way.
The little girls were cute…the guys gave input about being good fathers, etc. Now to the part that everyone had a problem with. The millennials enter the stage and they have small talk. Sarah poses the question to the man cave, “Why is it that you think there’s so much pressure on women to be validated by men and why don’t you think men can answer this standard that we seemed to have placed? Are there any good men left? And where can we find them ‘cause I got single friends”. Akin answers, Pastor Roberts answers, then Pastor Gray answers, here is what he said:
I was going to say um I think there’s a part and I respect what you said Sarah that manhood doesn’t necessarily validate feminity but I also don’t want to go to the other extreme where you know ‘cause we’re in the age of all the single ladies and I’ma independent woman but the truth is Godly women want a man that will cover them. *crowd applauses* That’s the truth and God designed a man to cover the woman. That’s why I’m a husband, I’m a “house band”, I band the house together. And when a man takes his rightful position and the woman doesn’t have to be the man and the woman then you will unlock her instead of holding her hostage and now she’s…and here’s the problem. She is an XX, I’m XY, she has 2 feminine chromosomes she can’t be a man. But she’s had to fight to be what she was never created to be. So, it’s incumbent upon me to do what I’m supposed to do ‘cause the truth is a woman may have to work but she doesn’t want to always (corrects himself) She may want to work but she doesn’t want to always have to work. Every woman in here at some point wants a man to come home and say, Babe, here’s $1000. Go get your nails done, get your hair done, get a pedicure, get a manicure. Here’s a box. Open this, wear this when I get home. She opens the box, nothing is in it. She’s like there’s nothing here. Exactly! Have that on when I get home because I got you. The bills are paid, the kids are covered, I prayed over you, now handle what you need to handle so we can have a nice night. Put on Luther Vandross *his wife steps in front of him in a flirtatious, agreeing, loving manner* Put on Luther and let’s do what we need to do because that’s what a woman wants and she should want it because God made it that way. That’s what it’s made for!
After watching this video in part and in its entirety, I saw absolutely nothing wrong with Gray’s comments.
There were some who said his response was too blunt.
My response: Too blunt? In a culture where I can turn on prime time TV and see soft porn. I’m guessing those who said it was too blunt also have sex while fully clothed. This man was honoring his wife. He said in so many words, you got a lot going on well I want you to know that I got you and I got us. Let’s enjoy each other. The truth of the matter is no matter how Pastor Gray would have said it somebody would have found fault. One comment I read said, “Christians are too worldly”. How? Because he wants to be romantic and appreciate his wife. She doesn’t seem to have a problem with it. So, why should you? If we can’t have these types of conversations in this type of arena then where can we have it?
There were some who took offense with the amount of money he said.
My response: If you took the amount literally you missed the whole point. Take out $1000 and put $100. She can get her nails, feet and a good roller set for $100 if she goes to the right people. But don’t miss the main point here. He is putting emphasis on appreciating her outward appearance and her peace of mind. They can enjoy each other without interruption because daddy got everything together. He has answered any questions she may have.
Some people took issue with him saying “she should want it because God made it that way”
My response: The reason why you took offense to a man saying that you should be ok with being vulnerable is because you spent so much time trying to prove that you weren’t. I take pride and joy being the weaker vessel. My husband takes care of me. When I was working it was for spending change. Why are you fighting the natural order God has placed? He was saying take rest in the fact that your man got you…you’re covered.
I need to get off this subject *whewwww*
Why I believe we should talk about sex in the church
Let me preface this section by saying my husband and I are church goers, we pay tithes faithfully, we attend Sunday service and midweek, we seek Godly counsel, My husband and I read the Holy Bible daily, we pray AND fast, and we believe the Bible is the truth. Just so we are crystal clear when I say God I do mean Jesus…because some people got it twisted. *Amen*
I needed to say all of that so my comments are not taken as jabs towards the church. I honor the church, I love her, and I am proud to be a part. So, you’re not going to hear me say anything towards church people because I am “church people”. We are one of the only institutions that tears down but supports at the same time. I unfollow and unfriend people who say, “church people kills me”…that wasn’t a typo. Yet, run to the church when all hell breaks loose in their lives. And for those who don’t follow an organized religion because you’re woke, this is not for you either.
Now, back to my point. There is no such thing as a perfect church. However, we cannot ignore the fact that things are changing and with the help of technology our younger generations are exposed to more than older generations. Because of this, I believe the church should talk about sex because everyone else is talking about it. I believe there should be scripture based classes on this subject matter. If the church does not educate the people of God about sex then it leaves the world to be their teacher. I do mean more than “don’t do it because it’s a sin”. You cannot not talk about sex but when the woman who is not married gets pregnant you put her in front of the church to repent or give her dirty looks. Yes, this still goes on in some places.
Somebody must talk about it because the people are doing it! I remember reading this article about a woman who waited until she got married to have sex (good for her!). She said that she waited because her parents instilled so much fear in her about premarital sex. So much so that on her wedding night she hated it and cried every time her husband tried to touch her. This is on the opposite end of the spectrum but adds even more to the argument of why HEALTHY conversations need to be had about sex.
We preach abstinence before marriage, as we should, but what classes are being taught when I fell to the sin and I feel like my life is over. What about restoration? What steps are in place to make sure I don’t do it again?
The bible is clear on the matters of marital sex.
Hebrews 13:4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
By the way, you do know when they say in the bible the two “knew” each other they weren’t referring to favorite colors and zodiac signs….they were referring to sex.
In closing, (because this was way longer than I intended) sex is beautiful. I know I’ve said it before but I can’t emphasize it enough. Don’t let the enemy pervert this beautiful gift from God. Sex is designed for married people. If you are not married and you are having sex then you are sinning. If you found fault with anything I just said, your issue is not with me, it’s with the Lord.
Also check out:
Sex and the Single Woman: http://coachjaleesa.blogspot.com/2016/05/sex-and-single-woman.html
Full Girl Talk Clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqLRG8jdhRU
Fast forward to 46:46 in the YouTube clip to hear John Gray’s comment.