Money, Power, Respect

Look at us! All in love and stuff...absolutely clueless (still clueless in most areas), excited, and just living in the moment. We left our wedding debt free...that was very important to us. Small ceremony, immediate family, mom's dress,...everything PAID IN FULL. Money management was always important to me...and Money, Power, Respect is more than just a song featuring Lil' Kim and DMX.

MONEY

I have to admit, I had it all wrong. I always thought it was suppose to be my account, his account, then our account. I would take care of this bill and that bill, he would take care of rent and the others. We would both put away to savings and tithes and offering. The rest? We could spend on whatever we want. If the purchase was over a certain amount we had to discuss it first (this was a “rule” we made before marriage). Let me go back a little bit…

Before we got married I was not working a “traditional job”. I was coaching full time which included vision board parties, speaking engagements, dance workshops, and one-on-one coaching sessions. As we started talking about marriage more, I was in the process of going on tour (which I fund with my own money and donations from supporters). Brandon, being a business man, couldn’t understand why I would spend thousands of dollars to go speak at these Boys and Girls Clubs and get nothing monetary in return. From the natural eye, I could see why that would be a concern for my sweet future husband. What he was about to learn was that his future wife was more concerned with the impact being made….but impact couldn’t pay the bills.

I knew finances would be something we would need to spend a little extra time on because we were very different. I don’t necessarily enjoy shopping as most young ladies do, as a matter of fact I often times get buyer’s remorse. Doing a budget was fun for me. I had adopted the David Ramsey envelop method a long time ago. I can hear his teachings in my ear, loud and clear, “If you don’t tell your money where to go, it’ll tell you where to go”.

Maybe I budgeted so hard because I always had to. I didn’t have money just laying around to waste. Brandon was….let’s just say he was blessed in the financial department. When we were dating he would have a different car every time I saw him lol..name brand things, diamond necklaces, the works…look at my wedding ring for goodness sake.

I don’t own anything name brand lol. I’ve just never been into that stuff. Now that you have a background let’s fast forward to married life. The penny pinching, frugal wife and the throw stuff in the bag without looking at the tag husband…now where is the middle ground?

I told Brandon during premarital counseling I was not interested in getting a job. I wanted to build my clientele in Florida and continue to speak and coach. It was easier said than done, especially considering that for the first month and a half of our marriage I was driving back and forth to Virginia. Now, feeling pressure to add to our finances I decided to get a job, this was my doing.

It was short lived (I’m not at liberty to speak on that) and now here we are back at square one lol. In the short period that I worked, we were able to move, buy some furniture, a washer and dryer, pay off some old debts, etc. While gathering information to write this blog, I posted on facebook for wives and futures wives to sound off about what they expected their husbands to take care of financially in their marriage. Some said the husband should do it all, some said she would help because she was his helpmeet (KJV lol), and some said they would split but not 50/50.   

We did the split ..our system worked for us. It wasn’t until one day I asked him to transfer a certain amount of money to “my account” so I could take care of one of “his bills”. This wasn’t my first time saying this but for some reason this was the first time I felt stupid saying it. Why are we separating the bills when we both benefit and use those resources? Why should he have to spend more of his check to pay bills when I work just like he does. Women always scream equal rights until it comes to something that does not benefit them directly. You want equal pay, want to be heard, want to be taken seriously, but then will play the damsel in distress at your convenience.  

The truth is my husband could pay all the bills alone but why should he have to? I pulled out my budget notebook put everything in “one pot” and divided the remainder to spend on whatever our little hearts desired. It was a comment on that facebook status that made me think of this. The wife said, we don’t split our checks, it’s OUR money and we pay OUR bills. Yeah, I felt convicted. I was only doing what I saw others in my family do. Disclaimer: It is nothing wrong with that method. But we were making our own rules.

I transitioned from my job this week and Brandon told me if I want to work again go for it and if I don’t then I don’t have to. I thank God for a husband who has the heart to take care of his wife. Older ladies will tell you, “girl, you better have your own money. Don’t you trust no man to provide for you”. Maybe this is my “newlywed-ness” speaking but if I can’t trust my HUSBAND (not baby daddy, fiance’, boyfriend, sugar daddy, friend with benefits) then what was the point of getting married? *shrugs* It's not my ignorance of being married for a short time. If I have to save up to leave him one day or do my own thing without him knowing it maybe marriage wasn't the right move. 

Lesson: Do what works for you and your situation. Don’t model yourself off of the expectations of others but have a conversation with your spouse about your finances. If you are not married yet, it is so important to talk about your expectations. Does your husband want a stay at home wife? Does he want to take care of all the bills? Who’s better at budgeting?

POWER/RESPECT

I may be guilty of speaking my mind (when asked..I had to work on this). You don’t have to wonder how I feel about a certain situation because I’m going to tell you (when asked…again, working very hard on this) lol. I research EVERYTHING and while I may know the answer I will happily keep it to myself. Everyone does not need to know what I know. My grandma says it like this, “keep some stuff to yourself”.

My tongue bled in the first month of our marriage. It was bleeding because I constantly bit it. Submission was so important to me. But what does submission look like from someone who had been so independent, outspoken, and a recovering know it all?

What I learned through the years and also in our few months of marriage is that submission does not mean you are mute or weak. I can tell my husband how I feel about a situation and he honors it then makes the final decision. When I married him, I married him with the intent that he would take care of my mind, body, and soul. I knew he would never do anything intentionally to hurt us. Sometimes he made the wrong decisions, in those moments when it came back that he was wrong it was not my job to say “see, if you would have done what I said we wouldn’t be in this”. I will not lie and say that I passed that test every time.

Question: Does the way you speak to your husband honor God? Would you be mad if he spoke to you the same way?

If your answer to the second question was yes then honey, you got some work to do.

I realized early, early, early in our relationship that Brandon responded to my words. If I spoke to him like the king that he is, he in turn treated me like a queen. If I was having a bad day and it came out in my communication I could see how my words affected him. What I’m saying is, “You can’t expect him to be your man when you constantly treat him like your child”. You may be the boss at work, the mom to your children, but he already has a mom and you are not her.

“Hey Jaleesa! Can you go to lunch today?” “Hold on let me talk to my husband”.

Brandon is not a dictator, he does not control my every thought and move. When I was asked the question above my response was my response because I respect my partnership. This particular day we both took our lunch to work and discussed how we would not spend money until later that week. I could have automatically told my coworker, “yeah, I’ll go to lunch” because it’s just lunch for goodness sake…it’s not that serious. To me more than the act of spending $10 for a quick lunch it was me respecting what we said we were going to do. Now I have heard so many people say, "I wish I would ask my husband before doing something that small. It ain't that deep". 

I didn’t go that day even though Brandon would have been cool with it. To me it was a respect thing and my leftovers were banging lol.

If we can't honor each other in the small things, how do we expect to conquer the big things? 

There is a very, very fine line. We don't do silly things like ask if we can go to the bathroom lol. Brandon reads all of my blogs before I post them. Yes, I had this blog before we got married but as his wife I represent him. If the tables were turned, he would do the same. 

If I wear something and he doesn't like it, he will let me know. Because I respect him and represent him, I will go change...he does the same. I remember Heather Lindsay (a popular speaker) saying Cornelius, her husband, doesn't like her hair when it's all blonde so she stopped dying it.  People had so much to say but that's her man...most of the people were sing...never mind. 

For some, this may be too much and that’s fine. I’m not trying to convince anyone to do something that they wouldn’t normally do.

Lesson: Wives, submit to your husband. Be his safe place and comfort. The world is harsh enough without him coming home to get beat up.You are his rib. The rib protects his vital organs. Are you creating protection or destruction? Watch your mouth.

Coach Jaleesa xoxo

Feel free to comment below or email me at coachjaleesa@gmail.com. Use subject: Money, Power, Respect