DTR: So What Is This?

Sooooooo about last week…things got a little out of hand so I wanted to clear the air. If you have not read last week’s blog entitled, “Am I Allowed To Be Saved, Single, and Sexy?” go check it out. The topic caused a little debate on social media, some response videos were made, and some things were said. Last week’s blog got 843 readers (the most read Saved, Single, and Successful blog post to date).  I want to reassure you that I accept and welcome opposing views HOWEVER, it is my desire to keep it nice. If comments get out of hand I will delete them, this is a no hate zone *wink wink*.

Do you like me? Circle Yes, No, or Maybe. Do you remember when it was that easy? Someone would hand you a note that was folded in a unique way (I could never master that thing). As the letter recipient, it was your job to circle a response, refold it (I could do that part), and hand it to the messenger. Depending on your response, you had a boo by lunch time. Your relationship consisted of sharing lunchables, maybe swapping coloring pencils, and an occasional push on the swing. Ohhhh, I forgot to mention, this was definitely 3rd grade. Let’s fast forward…

The year was 2008 and I was a freshman at LU. I had somehow got pulled in a conversation about one of the ladies discussing DTR. There was only one problem, I had no idea what DTR was. My dorm mate was like, “I really like him but we have to have the DTR talk”. I’m trying my best to use context clues and chileeeee I’m still lost. Finally, I ask, “uuuummmmm Leigh, what’s DTR?”. She meets my question and concern with a chuckle and says, “Jaleesa, its Defining the Relationship”. Ohhhhhhhh, gotcha!

It seems as if women are concerned with titles more than men. We live in a generation where the next step is making it Facebook official. We want our efforts to be met with commitment in the form of a title and exclusivity. Then there are some who have been in a relationship for a longgggg time and their commitment has not been met with a ring or any secure plans for the future. The picture captions read, “What’s Understood Doesn’t Need to be Explained” …whatever makes you feel better boo…and that was no shade, because at the end of the day, it’s your relationship to be in. Now before I get into my 3 points I want to say, I am in no way a relationship expert. I use my personal experiences, friend’s experiences, biblical application, and pop culture to form an opinion. You may or may not agree but know that my stance is not a judgmental one but simply my opinion…k? ;-)

1)      Are you a concubine or a queen? A concubine is a biblical term used for a woman who lives with a man but has lower status than his wife. So a present day concubine if you will, is a woman who has settled in having his babies, cooking his food, ironing his clothes, etc. but has not received his last name. Again, if this is where you are pleaseeeeee know I am not judging or being mean…I’m just shooting it straight. If he can lay you down to procreate, he can get down on one knee to propose. But if you have settled for being his roommate then it will be hard to transform his view of you to his helpmate.

2)      Does he make empty promises to keep you around? You guys have had “the talk” more than you care to admit and there is still nothing happening. Soooo, I guess my question is…why do you want to spend your life with someone who does not make you feel secure in what you have? “Baby, you know I loveeee you” “Can’t nobody do you like me” blah blah blah blah! Don’t you give that man an ultimatum (I’m going to talk about that in another blog lol). If you feel like you have to convince him of how awesome you are or you have to give empty threats…is it worth it? A real man will make his intentions known, it is up to the woman to listen. So don’t hit him with the “we go together or nah?” lol.

3)      Stop equating abuse (verbal, physical, etc.) to love. Growing up we were told if a boy hits you, he likes you. Uuuuuummmmmm, about that! The only issue is that we have carried on this attitude into our adulthood. It is never ok to accept abuse in any form (that goes for both genders, not just men). Ladies, our words have power and sometimes we cut a little deep. What does this have to do with DTR? This. Stop forcing commitment with dysfunction in order to not be alone. I’d rather have someone than no one at all…the devil! Honey, I can do bad by myself.

Bonus** Don’t let social media ruin your relationship…that’s all I’m going to say lol

Weigh in! Comment below, on Facebook, or email me at coachjaleesa@gmail.com. Use Subject: The Talk. You guys are phenomenal! I’ll see you next week.


Coach Jaleesa


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