10 Things You Shouldn't Say To A First Time Mother

I believe that sometimes we speak without realizing how silly we may sound. Then there are some of us who say silly things and see absolutely nothing wrong with it. Do you boo, do you! But do you over there lol. While sometimes you may think you’re helping, you’re actually doing more damage. So unless an expectant mother asks for advice directly, it may be safe to keep it to yourself. Here are some of the things I’ve heard so far that have made me scratch my head, roll my eyes, and think “are you serious?”

1)      It’s not that serious or calm down

These are words I hated before getting pregnant so now that I’m carrying my sweet baby these words make my skin crawl. You cannot tell someone how to feel about something, especially if 1) they’ve never experienced it before or 2) its coming from a genuine place of love and concern. There are no “do overs” in life so excuse me if I’m cautious.

When you have dealt with childhood trauma you’re a little bit more careful of whom you allow around your child. No, they can’t go to everyone’s house for a sleepover. Yes, they will have rules they abide by. And no, I’m not doing too much. If a parent doesn’t protect, look after, and see the seriousness in caring for their child then who will?

2)      If I were you, I wouldn’t/would do….

Every child is different, every parent is different. Every pregnancy is different (we’ll come back to this one). Lastly, every parenting style is different. I know you may not believe in time out or cool downs, but please don’t press your parenting philosophies on other parents. Things that worked for you, may not work for me. Parenting does not come with a handbook. If it did, I would have all the editions lined up on my shelf by now, filled with highlighter marks of my favorite quotes of course lol. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t and we’re all learning what works and what doesn’t. Even children raised in the same house can be polar opposites.

 My husband and I discussed how corporal punishment (whoopings) would not be our “go to” for discipline. Having a background in psychology I find it particularly counterproductive to use physical force when teaching children not to use physical force lol. For example, if my child is getting in trouble for hitting, then telling them that it’s wrong and hitting them is contradictory. Now don’t get me wrong! My husband and I both got whoopings growing up and we turned out alright. I just said that it won’t be our first plan of action lol. However you discipline is how you discipline. Don’t say by doing this or doing that you are spoiling a child. There are some children who are not fazed by certain things. For me, if my mom said “I am disappointed in you” that would hurt me more than a whooping ever could. But again, we’re all different.

3)      You can have a little bit, it won’t hurt anything

If a first time mom who is currently pregnant declines alcohol, caffeine, deli meat, seafood with mercury *insert other foods that the doctor says you shouldn’t have (or can have in moderation)* it is not your job to tell her that it’s ok to have it. Before pregnancy I could EASILY consume 100+ ounces of soda. I’m not bragging because I know that’s ridiculous but that was just my reality. Pregnant women can have 200 mg of caffeine per day. I decided that I would not consume caffeine at all while pregnant because once I get a taste I don’t want to be tempted to drink more. If I starved out that pre-pregnancy stronghold then I wouldn’t have to risk over indulging and feeling guilty.

When the baby is here…

 If a parent tells you not to give the child candy, soda, etc…PLEASEEEEEE don’t tell the parent, a little bit won’t hurt. After all this is the person who carried them for 9 months, the one who kisses their boo boos and scares off imaginary monsters. PLEASEEEEE don’t tell them that it’s ok for their child to have something that they have forbidden. The reason is none of your business.

I remember reading an article about a grandmother who thought that her daughter-in-law was exaggerating about her grandchild’s peanut allergies. The grandmother decided that she would take it upon herself to give the little girl chocolate with peanuts in it. Mind you, she did this on purpose trying to prove a point to her daughter-in-law. The little girl had a reaction, her throat started closing up, and she was sweating and gasping for air. After that ordeal, the mother of the child did not want the grandmother around the child again. In this case not only did a little bit hurt, a little bit could have killed her.

Leave the medical advice to the medical professionals *wink*.

4)      Can I touch your belly?

No! Can I touch yours? I’m just kidding but honestly this one doesn’t bother me that much. What bothers me is when people don’t ask and they just reach over and do it. Don’t be over here transferring your spirits to my baby (joking but serious lol).

5)      Get __________ out your system because once the baby gets here you won’t be able to do it.

If  you know us, then it’s no secret that we love to travel and do new things. While I can acknowledge that traveling with a baby will become more difficult it is not impossible. I know several people whose baby has travelled more than I have lol. Life doesn’t stop after a baby, it does change…drastically. But it doesn’t stop. Maybe we should rephrase this to “get in all the traveling you can now because once the baby arrives it won’t be as easy???” I can accept that a little better lol.

6)      I didn’t have morning sickness

LISTEN! Good for you! Do you want a medal? Unless an expectant mom specifically asks you about your morning sickness experience or lack thereof…Please don’t tell her how your pregnancy was perfect as she’s hugging the toilet. Morning sickness is frustrating. It’s unpredicatable; it doesn’t care where you are or who you’re around and it’s draining. I was so excited a few weeks ago because my morning sickness was gone, or so I thought. Well this week after being morning sickness free for almost 5 weeks, it came back. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried because I was hungry and all I wanted to do was keep something down. I think my favorite moment was when I didn’t have my trash bag handy and I used the bathroom on myself while throwing up. I had to think fast does Brandon want to clean up pee or throw up from the floor? I’m sure the answer was neither but I picked the lesser of two evils. That was definitely one for the books. I know people will say, “Well once the baby gets here it’ll all be worth it”. I’m sure it will, but right now I’m hungry and that’s not helping, but thanks!

7)      You’re having a girl because when I was pregnant with my daughter…

Every pregnancy is different. If we’re being 100% honest, pregnancy can be different for the same mother with her different children. Even though it’s fun to play the guessing game please stop telling a mom what she’s going to have based off of your experience. “I craved sweets the whole time with my daughter too, so you’re having a girl”. “I didn’t have morning sickness with my son either, so you’re having a boy”. Just say, “I’m praying for a healthy baby for you and your partner”.

8)      Was your pregnancy planned?

Is that anybody’s business? And if by chance she does share that the pregnancy was not planned please stop saying, “Well it may not have been in your plan but it was in God’s plan”. Very true, but you asked a question and you got an answer. By saying their child was not planned, they are not necessarily saying it was a mistake or they regret it. Stop acting like not wanting a child in a certain season of life is wrong. Listen, Bean was NOT planned, but I am sooooo excited about this baby. He/She can’t hear me yet but we talk everyday lol. That’s momma’s baby!

9)      You are going back to work after your baby, right?

Probably not. And if I do, it’ll be part time. It may be overprotective but as I watch the news of child abuse and negligence in daycare facilities…I’ll proudly wear the badge of the overprotective parent. No one is going to take care of your child like you are (at least it usually goes that way *shoulder shrug*). Just last summer I was reading of a child who drowned while at summer camp. 1) The child was only about 4 or 5 and had no business at the water 2) The child could not swim. 3) They were not supposed to even be at the water. 4) The counselors did not even realize they were missing a child when they got back to the main site. 5) The summer camp did not call the parents until the next day.

 I watched the news conference of the mother sobbing and breaking down and the words that came out of her mouth still haunt me. “I paid you and you killed my child”. There are other instances of staff who get fed up and lock your child in a closet or decides to put their hands on your child…yeah that’s not gonna fly. I don’t care how many stars, ratings, and reviews they have you can never be too sure. Sadly, that goes for relatives too.

Mommy guilt is real. So if a parent decides to put their child in daycare there is nothing wrong with that. But if a mother does not want to put her child in daycare don’t tell her, her child will be socially delayed. There are other ways to get your child around other children besides daycare.

10)   I hope you’re having a boy, because I can’t see you having a girl...

Wait, what? I wish I was lying but I’ve been told this by at least 3 people. So what does a parent of a boy look like versus a girl? How do I look like I’m not supposed to be the parent of the child that I carried for 9 months? I am in no way a fashionista. My makeup list includes foundation, lip gloss, and mascara (eye shadow if I’m feeling fancy). Having children is more than how you dress them. It’s affirming them, loving them, encouraging them, teaching them, disciplining them, holding them, protecting them, and the list goes on.

I’ve jokingly said that I want a son and the reason why I said that is because I’ve worked with girls through praise dance and coaching for almost 15 years. We are emotional creatures, sometimes a bit dramatic, and yeahhhhhhh I don’t know if I’m ready to deal with another me (pray for Brandon). But don’t tell someone your predictions because of what you can’t see. Whether I have a boy or girl, know he or she will be taken care of, loved, and so much more.

Lastly, have grace when talking to someone who is a first time mom. It’s wonderful that you have 3 perfect children that never had problems and you were the perfect parent from the beginning. Don’t belittle the things that worry her at this moment. If she confides in you about something that she sees that could be a struggle don’t respond with “well, if I can do it then so can you”. The truth of the matter is we don’t have the same strengths. Sometimes the best thing you can say to someone who has no control of their body, emotions, and bodily fluids is, “I got your back”.

Thanks for always supporting my blog. I’m so appreciative! Which number bothered you the most while carrying your little one? What would you add to your list of pregnancy pet peeves? Comment below or email me at coachjaleesa@gmail.com.