Your Body Didn't Fail You

“Jaleesa, we weren’t trying to make a baby. Babe, please don’t take this as if your body failed you”. I could hear the words my husband was saying to me and they made sense, but why couldn’t I stop the tears?

Let’s go back a little bit. “Is she pregnant?” If I had a dollar for every time I heard this when we were preparing for our wedding, we could have had 2 honeymoons. No, we weren’t getting married because we were pregnant, we were getting married because we loved each other, we were ready, and I didn’t want to continue to fall into the sin of fornication.

Because we prepared our entire wedding in a span of 7 weeks it was not shocking to me that people thought I was pregnant, but that was not so. It was actually the opposite. Brandon and I decided early on that we would wait at least 2-3 years before welcoming Baby Robinson, because there were certain things we wanted to accomplish first.

We wanted our children to be planned, we wanted to prepare for them in every way, we wanted to enjoy each other as husband and wife before adding mommy and daddy and I think that is very responsible of us.

Our marriage is solid! I know some seasoned folks are thinking, “honey, live a little longer” lol. I’m not saying we’re perfect and we do no wrong…I’m saying we communicate well, we pray together and read the bible, we enjoy each other’s company, we give each other compliments on the things we do well, we’re patient with each other on the things we need to work on. We have house meetings every 6 weeks or so to discuss areas of improvement within our marriage. In these “meetings” we discuss finances, where we are as far as achieving goals, and ways to improve. Some people think that’s a little extreme but I think it keeps us on the same page and prevents us from becoming stagnant.  

I was content with waiting a couple of years for babies, until I missed my period. I am veryyyyy regular so when Aunt Flo didn’t come to town it could only mean one thing. I was pregnant, right? I did not have any health issues to my knowledge and this could be the only explanation; so I thought. Then I thought about our change from vegan to “regular” foods, I had heard it could affect the woman’s cycle. Maybe that’s what it is? “I can’t be pregnant…we’re not trying”. 

I told Brandon of my concerns after Aunt Flo had stood us up for a week now and that I wanted to get a pregnancy test. I remembered seeing all these commercials that talked about the early test that could detect pregnancy before your missed period, so in my mind I was good because I had already missed mine.

Brandon and I meet for lunch every day. So I told him I would purchase a test and we’d meet as we always do. I was running late because the first store had ZERO tests. I had to go across town which cut even more into Brandon’s lunch time. Because I was running so late we had to go to the McDonald’s across the street. We had been done with McDonald’s since the vegan switch, but I guess it’s like riding a bike lol. Brandon pulls up beside me and opens my door. I have the test in hand, but then I think about it: if I am pregnant I don’t want this memory to take place in a McDonald’s 

bathroom.

We wait until after lunch. During lunch, I was irritated by what I perceived as Brandon being nonchalant. I was so nervous, but also excited about the possibility of being a mommy. “Why aren’t you excited?”, I asked. “Babe, it’s not that I’m not excited. If we are pregnant then great, let’s do it! But if we aren’t,  we have more time to prepare.” I don’t know why I took his words as an insult. Let’s do it? I’m not asking if you want to try a new recipe. Let’s do it? I’m not asking you about an upgrade in our cable services. Let’s do it rubbed me the wrong way.

I cut my eyes at him as if he had told me he wanted a divorce. “Let’s do it”, I mumbled under my breath. For me, it came off as if he didn’t want a baby.  But, if we by chance, had made this mistake then we’re stuck, so let’s do it.

Let’s pause for a second. I allowed my emotions to make all of that up. He said none of that, so why am I reacting like this? I was not being a nice wife. I actually remember saying something to the affect of, “you act like I’m a random chick you knocked up. I’m your wife”. Emotions were at an all time high. I put words in his mouth because 1) I knew he was right, we weren’t ready and 2) if we were pregnant I didn’t want to feel guilty or feel as if he didn’t want our baby just because he or she wasn’t planned.

Brandon insisted that I take the test in his office across the street because he didn’t want to wait. I went in the bathroom, took the test, waited for the 3 minutes and the test was negative. I should be relieved, right? I walked out of the bathroom, met eyes with my husband, and shook my head from side to side in a disappointed, “no” motion. “So you’re not pregnant?” As if my nonverbal no was not good enough now I had to vocalize it. “No! I’m not pregnant”. I rushed off to my car and then the tears began to fall.

My husband kissed my tears away. “Jaleesa, we weren’t trying to make a baby. Babe, please don’t take this as if your body failed you”. I knew what he was saying was true, but I couldn’t process it. A few days passed and Aunt Flo still hadn’t come to town. “Maybe it’s stress”, one friend said. “I mean the hurricane did have you pretty shook”. Maybe she’s right.

Days passed, no period and now I’m nauseous…ok, this is not stress. I start reading articles online and everything is pointing back to pregnancy. I knew the last day of my last period, I knew my fertility window and we don’t use any form of birth control.

Maybe I tested too early, maybe the test was defective, maybe I didn’t pee on it right, maybe the pee is too diluted; maybe I need to try another brand. They said morning pee is the best pee…I never waited til the morning to take it…that’s the problem.  We spent sooooo much money on pregnancy test because I had to be pregnant. What else can explain being nauseous, having headaches, cramps, fatigue, aches, and still no period?

My stomach would hurt sooo bad I would curl up in a ball. “Babe, take this.” “No, I’m not taking those meds because if I am pregnant that’s not good for the baby.” I was a good mommy already lol. I would rather bear the pain to protect my potential baby than risk doing something wrong if I was pregnant.

Days passed and the symptoms still had not let up. I had already told myself I wouldn’t take any more tests. I couldn’t deal with the disappointment. Dinner time was approaching and I was not in the mood for cooking. Brandon must have felt me in the spirit because he texted me from work asking if I wanted to try the new Cheddar’s here…one of his favorite restaurants from back in VA.

 We ordered our food and midway through, the pain in my stomach started to intensify. “I need to go to the ER”. “Ok baby, let’s get the check”. We went home so I could wash up, grabbed cell phone chargers, and headed out the door. We get to the ER and it’s a ghost town. I was called back within 10 minutes of arriving.

My blood pressure was 153/111 (that was not a typo). I heard the man say something to the nurse about my blood pressure being too high. He came back and took it again this time it was 143/93 (better but not ideal) by the end of the night it was back to normal. He escorts Brandon and I into our room for the night and Bran helps me put on the ugly gown.

The nurse comes in to check my vitals, and hands me a cup. “Fill this up,please”. I had just used the bathroom before leaving home so I don’t know if I have anything for you playa, I’m thinking. I manage to fill the cup a little less than ¼ of the way. She gon’ have to work with this, I tell myself. I get in bed and they start an IV to give me meds for the nausea. The urine test comes back negative. Ok, I’m not tripping…yet. My nurse waits for the doctor to leave the room. She says, “You know how the doctor said the urine test is 98% sure, I was a part of the 2% who failed the urine test but I was still pregnant. I have 3 kids and none of them were detected based on the urine test”. Why did she tell me that? My hopes went sky high all over again.

The doctor said I would need a regular ultrasound, a transvaginal ultrasound, and a CT scan. You would think the transvaginal ultrasound was the worst. Having to put this long wand inside you and all…nope that wasn’t the worst. It was the CT scan. I have had a CT scan before, but not with this contrasting stuff they spoke of. The tech told me it was going to feel as if I had to use the bathroom, but it’s just a sensation. They put me on the machine bed thingy and slid me in. The only thing I could compare this thing to is someone putting half of my body in an oven. It literally warmed up my insides. I never want to experience that again.

They rolled me back in the room. At this time Brandon is fighting sleep and I’m growing worried. I finally tell him to go ahead and go to sleep and I would rest my eyes as well. Literally, as I’m getting the IV arm comfortable the doctor walks in.

So you’re not pregnant but…

Let me tell you…NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR BUT WHEN IT COMES TO THEIR HEALTH!

You’re not pregnant, but we did find a cyst on your left ovary and that is what’s causing your pain and period irregularity. I’m pretty sure I sucked all the air out the room…I didn’t say anything just shook my head. “We’re not going to surgically remove it, but it does need to be monitored.  As far as fertility, this will not affect having babies in the future”. That moment…that’s when I breathed. I exhaled for what felt like the first time since he started talking, and to be honest, I can’t tell you what he said after that. The doctor left the room and the tears started yet again. I was disappointed and relieved if that even makes sense- disappointed that I wasn’t pregnant but relieved that now we knew what was wrong with me.

Now that I have been able to think soberly and I’m not drunk in my emotions, Brandon and I have been able to discuss what parenthood really looks like for us. It won’t be 2-3 years before we welcome Baby Robinson, but it won’t be right now either. We have a couple of places we want to go, a couple of things we want to do, and then we will start manifesting our love in human form lol.

Thanks to those who have checked on me. I am currently on bed rest, which has caused me to deal with my feelings and thoughts, hence this blog. I am on meds for the pain and nausea. Hopefully we’ll have a report that the cyst has gone on with her business, sooner than later.

Mr. Robinson, I don’t know when, but when it’s the Lord’s time you’re going to be an amazing daddy to our kids. Thanks for all you’ve done in this emotional last month. Your wife loves you more than words.

Coach Jaleesa Robinson

Happy Wife, Happy Life