Life After Silence: Finding My Voice After Childhood Sexual Abuse and Assault
Foreword by Coach Jaleesa
This is not an easy read—but it’s a necessary one.
What do you do when your innocence is stolen, not once, but again and again—by the very people who were supposed to be your friends? What happens when the trauma doesn’t come from strangers, but from your peers? From children? From those who played in your yard, ate at your table, and pretended to be just like you?
This brave vessel has laid bare the kind of truth that too many keep hidden for a lifetime. Not just because it’s painful, but because they were convinced it didn’t “count.” This story is for every survivor who has questioned whether their pain was valid, whether healing was possible, and whether God still saw them.
He does.
She’s proof.
Keep reading. Healing is not only possible—it’s already begun.
When Innocence is Stolen
No child, I repeat, NO CHILD should ever know the horror of someone taking advantage of their precious innocent bodies like mine was and many other children. No child should ever know what penetration feels like at age 11. No child should ever have to perform oral sex on anyone. No child should ever have to hear crude remarks about their bodies and their lack of puberty by a certain time. No child should ever have to be humiliated in front of others in regards to their body. No child should ever have to be forced to watch pornography and having those images forever buried in their minds. No child should ever have to fear the same peers that she had to play with outside on a daily basis. You heard it right, my peers. Unfortunately, what was done to me was done by neighborhood boys either my same age or a year or two older. That was my reality but it did not seem real to me for a long time. Because the media often portrays sexual abuse as an encounter between a child and an adult, it made it hard for me to accept what I had been through. I suffered a great deal for years and years but never gave credit to my experiences as a child. I did not think that my situation "counted". I thought because it did not look like other people's stories it did not matter as much.
Re-Victimization and the Weight of Silence
It took me a very long time to accept my story for what it is and not wish it was different. The best way for me to paint this picture for you is this way; bullying between children is an epidemic that causes children to take their own lives. Bullying in itself is terrible and has lasting effects. My peers were also my bullies and just add sexual explicit content to my bullying. In addition to tormenting, humiliation, fighting...add penetration, oral sex, pornography. Also, add degrading language that adults use on one another. The best word I can describe in all this is USED. I just felt used up for their own curiosity, and for their own image. They were able to say they did certain things to me while they look great and I look like a hoe. My self-esteem was demolished and then burned like people do to their leaves when they do not feel like bagging their leaves after raking them. A false image was portrayed of me that was not true. All sexual activity was unwanted and forced upon me. But comprehending this as a child was very difficult considering this was also done by another child. Life outside of my home was HELL, yet why did I continue to play outside. Someone asked me that once and that caused me to blame myself again. Why did I continue to play outside with these monstrous boys? To tell you the truth, I would go outside and hope and pray that they would not hurt me today. That was literally my mindset. I loved sports and loved to play outside. Inappropriate touching went on during those sports activities as well. One time in football, I was tackled but instead of letting me up. Brion laid on top of me pretending like he was having sex with me while everyone laughed. Screaming, "get off of me or put me down" had no effect on them. Yeah, I was scared of them because they were bigger. I was scared of the humiliation. I was scared to say no sometimes.
Now as an adult I understood that it was mild depression, but then when I was a child...
I didn't understand these intense waves of sadness and sudden tears.
I didn't understand this deep need for my mom at the most random moments.
I did not understand this fear of being touched or seen naked.
I did not understand this anger I had inside and had to hide.
Now as an adult, I understand. I wish I could say that some of those feelings no longer exist but I would be lying. Good news though, they moved away and I did not have to see these boys anymore. I went through middle and high school without them terrorizing me. And yet, it happens again...
Again, yeah I know right? Again!! Re-victimization is a real thing.
18 years old, sexually assaulted by another peer. What is up with these peers??? But yes, and this situation was more physical and forceful than all the others. A guy from the neighborhood had been crushing on me. I would not give him the time of day. One day he saw an opportunity to try to rape me in my home. I let him in my home when I was home alone so he could grab his memory card from my brother's Xbox. Well, that was a mistake. He begins to try to talk me into letting him have a chance and I was not budging. So he begins to "mess with me" while I was tryna watch Lifetime. This was not the normal behavior he showed when he would come over to play with me and my brother. Well, I was not having it with the play fighting and kept telling him to stop. Very quickly play fighting turned into me being pinned down on the bed, my pants being pulled off and my underwear being pulled down. I remember wondering, "how in the hell did I let myself get here?". My arms felt like noodles as if all the strength that I had melted away. All I could do was beg him not to do this. In the middle of that, his cold eyes looked at mine and said "you know you want it". I could hear his belt buckle clank together as he pulled out his penis. I felt him begin to penetrate...then the house phone rang. When the house phone rang, it snapped him out of whatever cold trance he was in. I saw his eyes literally change, and he immediately says, "I'm so sorry". I tell him to get the F**K out. I have not spoken to him since.
Still Here: Healing, Faith, and the Fight to Overcome
But since all of this pain and heartache that I have experienced, I know God to be a good God. I could ask the question "why me"? And honestly, I have. But that is unimportant because despite how much we wish it didn't happen, it happened. And even worse is, it will keep happening. And the world needs examples of us who have suffered but kept pushing and still trusting God despite it all. The world needs to see us who have gone through horrible things and remained grounded in God and his promises. The world needs someone like you to believe that better days are most definitely promised, stay in this fight to see those better days, and then speak of those better days, and then tell who those better days are owed to. I owe my joy and my peace to God alone. I did not kill myself although I've thought about it, I did not become addicted to drugs, I have not become addicted to alcohol although I was close to it. I kept my eyes fixed on Jesus in the worst of times to get through. College was when I literally had to truly deal with all of this. Luckily, I got saved at 17, right before college. My hope remained in Christ even if I didn't know what I was doing. There is most definitely life after sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault, and bullying. I am literally still breathing writing this story from a place of healing and restoration. And it is only because of God. The key is to trust in his promises. His promises are displayed all throughout his book. Utilize that thang. You can do this! You can get through!
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