Life After Divorce: You Repeat What You Don’t Repair

About the Life After Series

If you’re new here, Life After is a blog series featuring 15 women, 15 battles, and one powerful truth: there is life after. Through heartbreak, healing, and hard-won hope, Coach Jaleesa’s Happy Wife Happy Life is honored to help share their stories with the world.

Foreword by Coach Jaleesa

What happens when your world breaks open—but instead of falling apart, you fall into purpose?

This blog is not just a testimony. It’s a masterclass in healing, honesty, and taking full ownership of your story. Within these paragraphs, you won’t find bitterness—you’ll find boldness. You won’t see blame—you’ll witness breakthrough. For every woman trying to keep it all together while quietly falling apart… for every perfectionist pretending not to be in pain… and for anyone who’s ever grieved a love they thought would last forever—this is for you.

Sometimes God doesn’t give us the life we imagined because He’s preparing us for the life we deserve.

There is life after divorce. There is love after rejection. And there is power in your new normal.

Establishing a New Normal

Why did this happen to me? How did I get here? Whose fault is it? These are just some of the questions that I asked myself over and over. I have found that it is super-duper easy to point the finger or try to place blame but what good is any of that?!?! It takes two people to marry and two people to divorce. I will not focus on my ex-husband’s shortcomings or mistakes in this blog. Instead, I will highlight myself and my perspective.

You Repeat What You Don’t Repair

My parents separated when I was nine years old and divorced when I was ten. My heart was crushed, but I knew my parents were better apart than together. As a kid and growing up, I did not realize that the absence of a father would shape the way I looked at men later in life, nor affect my marriage. However, it did! Please note, “You repeat what you don’t repair.” For years, I carried around baggage from my past and avoided unpacking – pretending that it wasn’t there. Let’s explore {pretending} for a moment.

I was literally pretending to have it ALL together! Through grade school and college, I became a perfectionist and cried when I would get a B. I wanted to be perfect in EVERY way and live what I thought was a perfect life. I completed my undergraduate degree in 2006, got married in 2008, and was ready to start a family in 2009. Pump your breaks girl because I was still empty, broken, and consumed with negative thoughts….but why?

After my parents divorced, my dad became more and more distant as time progressed (nothing against him) – Life just happened. Nevertheless, I felt abandoned and rejected, I just wanted him to be there. So what did I do? I excelled at any and everything to get his attention. I longed for him to love me and hear the words, “I am proud of you.” I desired his validation, his acceptance, his security; unaware that I would begin to look for these things later on in my husband.

Establish a New Normal

As devastating as my divorce was, it taught me 3 major things:

To be grateful for what I currently have
To accept the areas I need to change
To take responsibility for creating the life I want

I used my divorce to make a triumphant comeback and to focus on myself. I officially launched my business to the public (it had been word of mouth for years), completed a full marathon, returned to school, had my picture featured in a local magazine, and started traveling the world.

Simply put, I had to focus on myself, pull back the layers of my own onion, and establish a new normal. “God cannot heal who you pretend to be,” so I had to take off the mask.

Question: Do you look at the glass as half-empty or half-full? Either way, I looked to my husband to fill it and I expected him to satisfy areas that were never his responsibility. My identity, security, and acceptance are ONLY found in Christ and not man!

Let me help you for a second, “If you are selfish and/or struggle with knowing who you are, DO NOT get married just yet!!! Take time to get to know yourself, date yourself, and become whole in Christ. People often want move-in ready houses and not fixer-uppers if you know what I mean.”

Tips on How to Be Better and Not Bitter After a Divorce

I had to stop complaining about how things should be and embrace how they were.
I stopped asking “why?” and wishing things could be different and focused on working with what I had.
I had to stop dwelling on the past and move forward!
I spent time with God daily as HIS word was my lifeline.
I exercised to release stress.
I took the emphasis off of my ex-husband and concentrated on me and how to become a better woman.
I started living again, laughing every chance I got and loving those around me!

You’re probably wondering, “Do you still love him? So glad you asked….I sure do, let me explain!!! I love him with the agape love of Christ (unconditionally) and I say that with gladness and a pure heart. I have accepted things as they are. People often make silly decisions, but that doesn’t change the fact that he/she is still a good person.

Forgiveness was key for me….I had to forgive myself and him regardless of what he and I did or did not do!

The “D” Word

Divorce does not define you. Saying the “D” word was initially hard for me. I mean I would break out in a sweat just thinking about it, but Divorce does not equal failure. Divorce is a chapter in my life book but it is not the end of my story. I refuse to quit because someone quit on me. I am worth fighting for!

Those that are meant to be in my life will rise with me!!!

You don’t have to look like what you have been through. Why? Because God will cause you to reinvent yourself, recreate yourself, he will make you over! You won’t just survive, you’ll be better!

I condemned myself, thought about every matter (BIG or small) that I felt I had handled wrong during my marriage. I was in a pit, at my lowest low. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, like a complete failure. The perfect church girl became the not-so-perfect girl anymore. I withdrew, isolated myself, and grieved day and night. It was as if I became a widow and a drug addict overnight. I mourned the loss of my “then husband” and I was willing to do anything to make it work (win him back)…I was desperate!!!! I could not eat, sleep, or function…I felt I could not live without him and I craved his presence.

BUT GOD!!!!

There is purpose in your pain and God will use your pain as the launching pad of your greatest calling. I had reached rock bottom, but in the famous words of the Gospel Artist, Travis Greene, “I’m still here and HE made a way.” My past does not determine my future. Divorce is an event that happened to me but it is not who I am. Divorce is not something I was ever expecting or planning to happen, BUT I knew I would be okay!

Don’t beat yourself up because you feel a certain way. Feelings and emotions are normal. I had to allow myself to feel and even soak in my feelings – I just did not stay there. Whatever you do, DON’T leave God! Although people may walk out on you, God will not! There is LIFE after divorce, I am a living witness.

Enjoy the journey. If your progress seems slow, don’t get discouraged and don’t give up. Live with the expectation that God is working on your behalf even if you cannot see it!

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