Life After Miscarriage: The Day I Gave Birth to Goodbye

 Life After Miscarriage

The Day I Gave Birth to Goodbye

Foreword by Coach Jaleesa: Some stories are hard to read because they touch places we don’t talk about enough. This is one of those stories. The day that was supposed to bring her the sound of a heartbeat instead brought silence. Yet in that silence, God was still present—and so was her strength.

I admire this woman immensely. She’s not just telling a story of pain—she’s telling a story of power. The kind that comes from choosing to deliver a baby with no heartbeat. The kind that allows you to grieve and still believe. And the kind that turns heartbreak into healing so another woman can feel less alone.

There is life after miscarriage. Not the same life—but a new one. And she’s proof.

                                         

June 11, 2013, the day that will forever be etched in my memory. A day that was filled with joy, excitement, confusion, fear, anger and sorrow all bottled up in one.

I’ll never forget waking up in excitement as I teased my husband about the dinner and massage he would owe me once the doctor confirmed that we was having a boy. He laughed and decided to let me have my moment as we proceeded to get dressed for the big reveal. What better way to show our excitement than to match with our all blue attire. He wore his favorite blue and white uptown Nikes with a blue sports jersey and I sported a blue shirt with one of the only pair of pants that fit around my since expanded pregnancy waist. We headed to the car and began our journey to the doctor’s office. Upon our arrival my husband and my nurse did their normal trash talk to each other about their football teams and then she began to tell us how the nurses had their own pool going on that I would have another girl. After doing my normal routine, we proceed to Ultrasound and continued our debate over what we were having. 

Finally the time had arrived! The nurse entered the room excitedly as she sparked another debate between my husband and me on who would win the bet. As I lay there, her smile drowns out and she seems to be concerned. I think to myself, what’s taking her so long? It never takes this long to locate the baby…maybe the baby’s sleeping or perhaps something's going on with the machine. She hesitantly looked at me and said to give her a moment, she wanted to get the Doctor because she was having trouble locating the heartbeat. My heart dropped as I looked at my husband in fear and confusion. What does she mean? I don’t understand…is something wrong with the machine? As I lay there waiting for what felt like an eternity my husband squeezed my hand and gave me a look of reassurance that everything would be okay. The door opened and the nurse returned with the head Doctor but her expression just made my heart drop more. She ran the machine across my belly to locate the baby's heartbeat…NO sound….NO SOUND. I become frozen as she looked at me and said the last 2 words any mother would want to hear when it relates to their child. I’M SORRY. Before she finished her sentence I let out the most excruciating scream and began to cry out. "NO NO”. Everything went dark and all I could do was cry and pray to God that this is some type of mistake. Now I don’t care what I’m having, I just want to hear my baby’s heartbeat. I cried and screamed-- I’m inconsolable. After a few moments the nurse and doctor exit the room to allow my husband and me some time to wrap our heads around what was taking place. I don’t understand, I just felt the baby kicking and moving just before we came to the doctor. I began to cry again, and again and again, and my husband began to cry and we console one another. As we cry, we began to get texts and messages from our family and friends anticipating the gender of our baby. We’re not ready to talk, we're not ready to part with our child. The door opens again and it’s my Doctor. I can see the hurt in his eyes as he extends his condolences and proceeds to say, "I know this is a difficult time but I have to ask you how you would like to proceed. We can send you to the ER and have a DNC performed which would suction the baby out and dispose of the body or we can induce you so you can have her in natural labor”. Now imagine the horror I felt to be presented with a question on whether or not I would rather dispose of my child as if I was having an abortion and like I didn’t experience the life that was kicking inside of me. Without hesitation I told him I was going to deliver my child and there was no way I was going to suction her like a piece of trash. After a couple of moments he directed us to the Labor and delivery unit to prepare for labor.

As we headed out of the room there was an awkward silence. I tried to hold my emotions together as I passed other pregnant women who wished me well on my delivery and wanted to know what I was having. God I’m not ready for this as I began to cry and sob. How can a day that was supposed to be full of joy and excitement turn into a day of horror and sorrow? All sorts of emotions began to run through my mind. I began to question God and blame myself. "If I didn’t work so much, If I didn’t clean so much, If I...If I... If I was all that kept running through my head. I even blamed me wanting a boy instead of asking God for a healthy baby as a reason for what was taking place. Now we're in the labor room and it’s time to deliver this baby that I have no chance of taking home. As I began to go into labor I felt every contraction, pain, and push just like every other woman that was on that labor floor with me. I went through the same delivery process just the same as I did with my other children. I had to push just the same and deliver just the same as I did all my other children. It didn’t matter that there was no heartbeat, this was still my child. I still had to push my child out even though I knew there was no joy or celebration to follow. Time to push the doctor says. Push. Push…Push….It was a girl! God are you punishing me for wanting a boy so badly that you took my daughter from me?

I can’t explain the pain and the hurt that I had to endure to go through such a painful delivery knowing that I couldn’t take her home with me. All the restless nights from her balling up in an awkward position, or the kicking in the middle of the night to signal her hunger was now just a memory too hurtful to think about. After the delivery, the nurses dressed our angel, Andrea, in a beautiful handmade gown and wrapped her tightly and gave us our moment alone to say goodbye to our angel we never got to say hi to. In June we laid our baby girl to rest and began our healing process. Part of that process was facing our children and explaining to them why mommy was no longer pregnant and that their sibling that they were anticipating on coming home wasn’t. After losing Andrea, I shut down and went through a whole roller coaster of guilt and blame. I couldn’t understand how and why God allowed me to experience her life growing inside of me just to take it away. I had a very hard time coping and I tried to deal with it alone. I thought I was strong enough to get through until I went back to work and was asked the infamous question…”so what are you having?” It was a tough season in my life and I had to take some time to heal and forgive myself for taking the blame for something God orchestrated. My church family and my children kept me encouraged. I really had to understand that no matter what, it was nothing I could have done differently to change what happened. 

The last thing you want to do when you’re recovering from something like this is isolate yourself. You’re going to need the mental and emotional support of your family and friends. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you have to rush your healing process. In reality you will never truly overcome the death of your child but it’s what you let it turn into. Turn your loss into victory and strength. Healing takes time and it’s a process but with the help of God and prayer you will get through. I don’t know why this happened to me but I would think it was to encourage other women alike that would face the same adversity and let them know its light at the end of this tunnel. In the end God made up for my sorrow. Exactly one year after I lost Andrea, I found myself back in the same delivery room giving birth to a beautiful and healthy baby girl and not even another year following her birth I was back in the delivery room giving birth to yet another beautiful and healthy baby girl! God has a plan and a purpose for everything he does even when it hurts. Trust him and allow him to heal and comfort you through it. Even though our angels are not here with us they are forever part of us. Remember even though we went through the pain of losing our angels there is life after it.