Life After Darkness: Drowning, Depression, and a Destiny Redeemed

Life After Darkness: Drowning, Depression, and a Destiny Redeemed

Foreword by Coach Jaleesa: In a world where depression, fatherlessness, and rejection often go unspoken — this story is a courageous act of truth-telling. The young woman you’re about to read about didn’t just survive life’s deepest pains — she overcame them.

Her words bring voice to so many who have felt buried by the weight of grief, heartbreak, and self-doubt. But beyond the breakdown, she found something greater: identity, healing, and God’s unwavering love.

This is not just a story about what was lost — it’s a testimony about what was found. May her journey remind you that even in darkness, there is always light ahead.

There I was, 18 years old and embracing another stage of my life.  I graduated from high school in 2008 and was accepted into college.  My dreams consisted of attending school for Law, yet major in Business and minor in English.  My SAT scores and grades were not perfect, but standard in order for at least one college to consider accepting me.  I honestly did not want to attend the school I was accepted into, but felt obligated to settle in my decision since many schools had rejected my applications.  A month or so into attending, I met a charming sophomore student.  Prior to meeting him, I heard many stories regarding his character.  The majority of the stories heard were not pleasing to the ear being that he was identified as a "ladies man", but there was a bit of curiosity that took place pertaining to this man and what he consisted of despite the rumors.  My first reaction towards his wanting to know me on a personal level was "No!" and after a few more attempts he finally decided to stop pursuing me.  Me being the kind, yet gullible young adult at the time, I found this to be charming and decided to indulge in the possibilities.

Searching for Love While Carrying Loss

Now let's rewind time a few years prior to this moment, in order to thoroughly explain my situation.  I became a fatherless child at the age of 10, due to my father being killed while serving in the military.  At that very moment, I felt as if the world had stopped and what once made sense, no longer carried value.  I was the definition of a "daddy's girl" and in my opinion, my father was nothing less than my hero!  I loved everything about my father from his features to the determination he carried to take care of his family.  I went through my entire childhood hopeless, vulnerable, and miserable because there was an empty void regarding my father no longer being present in my life.  During my childhood, it did not matter who the male was because if he liked me and/or was interested in taking things further, I was fine with doing so in return.  My innocence was still intact, but with the route I had begun traveling regarding my vulnerability it was only a matter of time before it was no longer in my possession.  With this being said, let's fast forward to the moment where I agreed to this charming man entering my life.

He and I never established a relationship nor did we build a solid friendship.  Our time together consisted of visiting and/or spending the night with him in his dorm room.  Although everyone knew what was occurring, I would walk from my dorm to his dorm during the night, so that no one would notice me leaving.  There were times where I did not spend the night with him being that he entertained other women.  Of course, this hurt me on various levels, but it did not matter to him because we were not involved in a relationship.  I felt as if we were utilizing the situations of each other's past in order to fill our voids with ingredients that were unable to blend naturally.  While investing time into someone that was not intended by God to be apart of my life, I began to skip class.  Although I did not attend class in order to stimulate my mind with the education I intended to receive, I decided to stimulate my mind with the situation between myself and my significant other amongst other things.  While doing so, the thought of my father no longer being present in my life began to fall heavily on me.  I never dealt with my father's death as I should have throughout my childhood because nothing seemed to assist me in this area. As a child, my mother strived to do everything in her will power in order to assist me with coping with the death of my father.  From comforting me, to seeking help from a certified counselor, I only managed to reject each option she had to offer.

When I decided to inconsistently attend my assigned classes, I made it my responsibility to visit him as much as possible.  I no longer understood why I was striving to build with someone that was not intended to be apart of my life because the more I tried, the less stable I became mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  Between focusing on this man and the thoughts of my father's death reoccurring, I began to sink into depression.  During this moment, unlike my childhood, I wanted to drown.  I wanted to drown in my tears.  I wanted to drown in my anxiety.  I wanted to drown in the darkness of the shadows that the enemy created because I was familiar with this area of my life.  I did not desire for anyone to save me because I wanted to drown peacefully in order to be set free from my misery.

                               

Drowning in Silence

Let’s pause for a brief moment, for those of you who do not understand what depression consists of. Well allow me to explain-- depression is a brain disorder characterized by persistently depressed moods or loss of interest in activities, which causes impairment in an individual's daily life.  Depression typically develops symptoms such as fatigue, loss of energy, consistent feelings of worthlessness or guilt, impaired concentration or indecisiveness, insomnia (inability to sleep) or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping), reoccurring thoughts of death or suicide, restlessness, and weight gain or weight loss.  Nearly 3 million people are diagnosed with depression each year and despite being diagnosed with depression, it is also curable and can be easily treated.  I was diagnosed with depression between 2008 and 2009.  The depression I encountered was not at all mild, but severe being I allowed it to attack my immune system.  Depression and I were not strangers to each other because it occurred inconsistently throughout my childhood.  I managed to develop each of the symptoms listed above, besides weight gain, being I experienced the opposite.  Everything in my life began to shift after no longer hearing rumors about the charming gentlemen who had the ability to sweep women off their feet.  I had then begun to receive news that I was incorporated in those same rumors.  I remember receiving awkward stares from others and words pertaining to my being weak, vulnerable, crazy, and desperate.  The majority of these rumors occurred from those that I thought were my friends but turns out they never cared to begin with.

The situation began to spiral out of control when I decided to experiment with alcohol.  I remember visiting someone's dorm room with a friend and the plans for that night were to only drink if she had done so.  It turns out that I drank far more than those around me and needed to be carried to my dorm room within a matter of hours.  My thoughts and words were extremely sporadic while drinking alcohol.  It did not matter who my surroundings consisted of because I only focused on how the alcohol made me feel.  Granted, I only drank alcohol occasionally and inconsistently, but each time I decided to do so I felt both alive and dead at the same time.  I wanted to consume as much alcohol as possible in order to abuse myself internally.  The first couple of times I decided to experiment with alcohol, my mother was contacted by a few of my friends regarding the events that were taking place at school.  When I spoke with her, there was no sense of judgment, instead of concern, regarding what was going on in my mind.  Truthfully, I did not know what was going on myself.  From locking myself in my dorm room to taking sporadic walks at night without notifying anyone, I felt as if I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.

We are each given a new day in order to start over, but I only continued to feel as if the world was backing me into a corner.  I was embarrassed, guilty, ashamed, lonely, and lost.  My family was hurting for me, yet I still did not know how to properly express my emotions to them.  I stopped communicating with everyone around me because my mind only found comfort in replaying the tormenting thoughts of events that had taken place.  To be honest, I could not entirely blame this man, being that my vulnerability didn't begin with him, but instead my father.  No matter how I felt I knew I needed to not only deal with this situation, but heal from the loss of my father.

For the remainder of my 1st semester, my mom thought it would be best to come home and seek help.  She recommended a nurse practitioner and in my opinion she was awesome at what she did!  She diagnosed me with depression and prescribed antidepressants, an asthma pump, and Zantac  (Xanax), which is prescribed to patients with anxiety.

After a few months of having to take these medications, my emotions only began to suffer more severely.  The last thing I wanted to do was accept this condition, let alone rely on the medication needed to cure these symptoms.  All I could do was replay the comments and opinions of others regarding who they thought I was, but little did they know I was not myself. I was merely someone trapped in a lifeless body not knowing how to operate the encouragement, motivation, and determination needed to overcome the enemy's tactics.  

Becoming a Queen

My main focus was to cease taking the medications prescribed to me because I did not see a point in doing so.  Therefore, I began to maneuver my way through the tunnel in order to retrieve the light that God promised me in the end.  When I had finally began to step into who I was called to be it was the year 2015.  Yes, I overcame depression prior to this year, but 2015 is when I realized there was more beneath the hurt, pain, and agony of my past.  No matter how I felt emotionally and spiritually I carried a passion to assist someone else through their pain.  While discovering who I was aside from the opinions of others, I not only realized I was A Woman PLUS More, but a Queen.  I no longer lacked confidence, lowered my head, or quieted my voice, but instead, I embraced the lessons I learned pertaining to my past and converted each trial and error into wisdom.  I laugh because I review my attending this school as an important asset that needed to be incorporated into my journey.  Granted, there are some roads we may not view as being necessary to travel, but if it involves discovering who we are and WHOSE we are from a broader perspective I do not mind doing so!

After recovering from depression I discovered strength, joy, peace, and confidence, not only in myself but the almighty God!  I began to trust God on a deeper level and ignore the enemy's tactics.  I must admit that I have my moments, but I have achieved so much within the past few years after deciding to release myself from the hands of the enemy and follow the footsteps of God!  While being located in my darkest moments I never feared drowning, but now I strive to stay afloat with the assistance of God's love and word!  Because of God, I have the ability to view myself as being a Queen who does not have to settle for less nor allow anyone to dictate her future.  I always had haunting thoughts while being a freshman in college until my latter years of being a young adult pertaining to the embarrassing moments that took place, but I allowed God to lock them away in order to hide!  My life after depression consists of freedom from my past, complete wholeness and victory in every area of my life, and a beautiful relationship with none other than God!  If it were not for the grace and mercy of my Lord and Savior I would still be that same depressed girl wandering the world in hopes to find out who she is!